Half The Year Already Gone

Wow, it’s already June 3rd, and I’m finally getting around to posting for the year. After creating over 100 pages of content in 2018, I am quite disappointed in myself, but I’m only now getting my creative flow back after six months of feeling drained of any inspiration whatsoever. It started when my best friends were unceremoniously ripped from my life after Coach Whipple was fired. I always knew that character assassination, backstabbing and personal politics are as much a part of college athletics as they are any other job, but I never actually witnessed it until fans who knew absolutely nothing about the team were allowed to dictate the firing of the entire staff. I didn’t even find out until one of the player’s mothers sent me a private message on Twitter about it. I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye, and I couldn’t have felt worse if someone had died. I’m still struggling with it to a degree, although I’m quite glad he’s landed at Pitt as their offensive coordinator. He’s too good a person and coach to deal with the crap he had handed to him here.

To make matters worse, the day Whip left for good was the day I lost my job of nine years. I had suffered through a contentious year with my supervisor, but I thought I could power through it and be ok; apparently I was deluded enough to think I could right the ship, even as layoffs indicated otherwise. I did nothing but make some easily fixable mistakes that never cost us a case, but sadly I was the victim of the company’s desire to do things as cheaply as possible. I had been with them for all that time and my work was fine for 8 years , so why all of a sudden did they think my work product was shit? My mother was the first to say “they didn’t want you reaching your 10th anniversary” but she wasn’t the last, and I agree. They were looking for reasons to cut people and sadly, my mistakes and the lack of a supervisor who had my back meant I was a prime target. I was actually told that my “mistake to output ratio was too high” which, besides reeking of condescension and corporate speak was absolute bullshit. They actually kept a list of my mistakes (17 in one year! Oh no!) and I was screwed no matter what. They gave me severance, which I didn’t think an employer had to do if you were fired for cause, and someone told me it was to keep me quiet (I did have to sign a non-disparagement clause as part of the severance package so she had a point). Needless to say, after that, I was done. I had nothing creative in me mentally at all. I eventually got back to cross stitch, which was a godsend, because I needed a distraction, but  writing took too much energy I didn’t have. I’m starting to feel better, though I’d say I’m in the doldrums subconsciously most days, even now. It’s been a lot to process and work through, but at least I’m feeling better than I was at the start of the year. Hopefully returning to blogging will help me put 2018 in the rear-view mirror and look to the future.

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