Posting early because tomorrow is game day. If you want to play along, please visit Stream of Consciousness Saturday
The word of the week is LID and I wrote 652 words on the fly (who knew this topic could strike such a nerve with me?)
Ok so this word makes me think about something that has been bothering me for a while now, something I feel I may be overreacting about, but something that has been in my brain more than it should be nonetheless.
I’m talking about people telling me I’m talkative, or a chatterbox, or too much, or extra – however you want to put it.
It’s like they’re telling me to put a lid on it when they’re done with me – ok kid, you’ve said enough you can shut up now.
I’ve been told I write like I talk (which is not a compliment at all), that I need an off switch, all kinds of things, but it’s what isn’t put into words about my talkative nature that hurts the most.
When you tacitly tell me to be quiet, my brain interprets it as, ok we get it, you’re a know-it-all nerd. We don’t really need to know that ivy grows on the south side of a tree in a forest. Ok we get it, you’re pissed about the current state of the world, it’s time to shut up now. We don’t care about the things you’re passionate about – you talk too much about them. You’re a nerd. You’re boring. We don’t care about you as A PERSON.
I know this is overreaction 101, but it does bother me that most everyone’s reaction to me is – pipe down would you kid and give the adults in the room a chance to talk?
My parents used to say that when I was little they thought I’d never start talking, but when I did they thought I’d never shut up – guess I’ve been a chatterbox my whole life.
My grandmother used to call me “the mouth of the south” when I was being a smartass – believe me, I knew better after a while not to say anything that would make her mad enough to call me that. And she wasn’t wrong – I only got that when I was being a jerk. Still, that kind of stuck with me over the years. A warning not to get too saucy or people will let you know to back off, and not in a subtle way.
I was crippled by shyness as a kid. In my 20s I moved to a place where I knew absolutely nobody and had to overcome my shyness to a degree or else I’d have never left the apartment. So now it’s almost like I’m making up for lost time, the lid on my personality has been removed, though it was like that stubborn mayonnaise jar lid that you had to dip in hot water and bang on the counter a few times before it came off. Maybe it was like removing the lid to Pandora’s Box? Who knows!
I talk when I’m excited.
I talk when I’m frustrated.
I talk out loud when I’m working a problem through in my head – sometimes it helps me reach a conclusion about something faster if I hear myself say things out loud.
I talk to myself out loud because I trust myself the most.
I’m truly only talkative with the people I feel most comfortable around, though I’m rethinking that aspect of my personality on an almost daily basis. Lately, I’ve found myself clamming up around people I don’t know well because I’m afraid I’ll be ignored, or worse yet, sound like a mindless yammering twit. It’s kind of like I’m second guessing myself because I hear everyone else’s voice in my head, but not my own. And everyone else’s voice is trying to shove me into some kind of box and put a lid on me. Or maybe I’m putting a lid on myself out of embarrassment –either way, it’s something I’ve got to work on for the immediate future.
People have said the same to me over the years. Or when I did express a feeling, I was made out to be stupid. I learned over the years to write out my issues. Only they were found and made fun of and belittled. Now I had an urge to do something I have wanted to do for awhile and of course was shot down, humiliated and now I don’t want to have anything to do with said person. Of course it was my own impetuousness that got me!! Jennie I love your writing, your posts, and your blog. Because you tell it like it is. You are excited about things that being excitement to others. You don’t know who you are reaching out there, who might need a cheer up or a good story.
Thank you sweetheart! Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just invisible, but support like yours proves to me I’m not. Love you sweetheart!