Dear Coward:

I would greatly appreciate it if you would kindly keep your thieving hands off things that don’t belong to you. Although it may give you a cheap thrill to steal things from me between one and six a.m., please rest assured it does nothing but anger me to start my day by finding out you’ve struck again. The four solar globes you took from me may be just meaningless trophies, but they were mine. It doesn’t matter whether they cost $30 or $300, they were mine and you had no right to take them.

I have to wonder: exactly what can you do with them now that you have them? I have a few suggestions, but they are a little less than polite and I’d rather not commit that kind of language to print. However, it’s doesn’t violate the legal definition of  libel if what I say is true. You are a complete and total jackass. It’s not as if you can use the globes without marking yourself as a thieving freak.  So what will you do with them?

It’s bad enough that my husband and I can’t enjoy a light show outside our kitchen window, but I have it on authority that you’ve stolen several bicycles from our complex as well. Several? I’d love to see you ride more than one at once. Preferably without seats on them. Having lived in an apartment for twelve years, I’m sure I speak for at least half the other tenants  when I say the following: most of us would much rather be living the American dream in a home of our own. For whatever reason, that isn’t viable for us right now. Our only “backyard” is the common area between apartment units and we should be able to enjoy that without fear of things being stolen. My only hope for your pathetic future is that you steal something of enough value to go to jail. Maybe then you’ll learn it’s not nice to take things that don’t belong to you.

Sincerely,

Your pissed off neighbor in apartment 113