Author’s Note: A couple of weeks ago, my friend who lives in Oregon sent me this creepy photo that she took while stuck in traffic. It’s a male banded alder borer and unlike the destructive emerald ash borer, it’s a benign creature. Its larvae feed on dead trees, but that’s as fierce as it gets. The gender is determined by the length of the antenna – the male has ones that are longer than its body, so this fellow is in fine form. Nancy said that his stripes reminded her of a prison uniform, and voila! This post was born. I  heard Steve Buscemi’s voice (as his character in Reservoir Dogs)  in my head when I wrote this.  

Pssst! Hey lady! Can I get a ride? I just need to go over the bridge. Don’t worry, I’m not dangerous…I just look that way. Damn antennae always make me look like a menace, but I’m a pussycat, I swear. My people take so much crap because we’re confused with the emerald ash borer, but we are an entirely different insect. I mean, really, does he look anything like me? Come on! Now, you wanna talk about a jerk? The emerald is an illegal alien–he should have stayed in Asia instead of coming here and killing ash trees, but what can I say?  He sneaks in and gets to do whatever, meanwhile, a hardworking beetle like myself gets in trouble just for trying to mate! I got caught in a trap before I even had a chance to meet up with my lady and I’m telling ya, it was brutal! I barely got out alive! Yeah it was a jailbreak, but I’m innocent! Attica! Attica! Sorry, I get carried away sometimes. Please, lady, please believe me. I just need to go across the bridge and I’ll leave ya alone!